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[04 Mar 2007|07:32pm] |
I REALLY need to start using this again. I NEED a lot of help. Everything is so stressful. I haven't been able to restrict and its been making me go insane. Seriously. I was 110. I must have gained like 5 pounds this weekend and I can't handle that. I feel like I'm going literally INSANE. Starting tomorrow I am not eating. I won't. I can't let myself. This is so bad. I have never been so angry with myself. UGH. I should really start using this again too. I always say I'm gonna and then I never do. slkjglksjgflksjdgkl. I am a mess right now. I hate thissssssssss.
Whatever. I'll just let it go for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I will start a fast. Not sure for how long. For however long I can go. Till I get down to at least 100 pounds. I just want to be 100 right now. Then once I get there, we'll see how I feel about that and if I want to lose more weight.
I hateee this so much though. It's so hard. AND to top it off I told my dad everything. And he said he understands why I do it. But still. Its gonna be hard to starve myself while my dad knows whats going on. Whatever. I dont even care anymore. I just NEED to be thin. I just have to.
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[14 Dec 2006|05:34pm] |
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I've been such a mess. I'm just so drained. I've messed up so badly. I don't even want to get back on the scale. I know the results are terrible. I want to work out but I'm too tired and lazy. I try not to eat and when I haven't eaten I keep telling myself that I'm not going to eat. Then I just all of a sudden eat without thinking. I absolutely hate it. I want to be 100 pounds again. But its so hard now. Now that I'm a lot more busy and I get invited to go places now. And now that I'm not with Paul everything is different. I go out a lot more so its really hard. It used to be so easy because I would stay in all the time. And I didn't have to eat. All my friends do is eat. AND they eat so unhealthy. I try not to eat junk. I rarely eat junk cause I think its gross. I normally eat healthy but I don't want to eat at all! I hate it. I can't wait for christmas break. Because I won't have to go to school so I won't have to feel weird when my stomach growls. Because its so awkward when my stomach growls in class when everyone is silent. But I love hearing my stomach growl when I'm alone. It makes me feel better for some reason? I REALLY REALLY want diet pills just for something. And if they don't work at least they will make me think that they work. But I feel so weird buying them at the store. I doubt I would do it. I remember a little while back my friend and I bought them together. But that was different. That was when she was bulimic and I was anorexic. Now she eats normal. And I eat a lot and then restrict. I think I'm a closet eater now. Because I hate eating in front of people. I never do it. I always eat when I'm alone which is when I should just NOT eat. I wish I could get adderall again. I used to get it from my friend at school. It would make me so energetic and it made me lose my appetite which I absolutely loved. Maybe I'll talk to him. But I'll have to pay for it and I don't have a job right now. UGH. I feel so fat. I hate this. I really hate how its so hard to stop eating. Maybe because I'm thinking about it so much. I remember when I used to not eat, I didn't really think about it. I thought about how like gross I felt but I mainly thought about my boyfriend and how my friends left me. Wow I was so depressed. I just want to be 98 pounds again. 98 is my goal. I don't even wanna know how much I weigh right now. I'm gonna start fasting tonight. NO MORE EATING. I'm gonna try to not eat this weekend. Hopefully that won't be hard because my friends are busy doing other things, so I'll be left alone. My parents would probably ask me if I want to eat but I always tell them I'm not hungry or I don't feel good or I already ate. lsdjfglkjsdfkgljskgljsg. Oh well. I'm gonna go and do moreeeeeeee homework. UGH. Where is MAY when I get out of this place?!?!?!?!
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[10 Dec 2006|10:40pm] |
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I haven't posted in a very long time. I've just been really busy lately. I've been missing a lot of school and all I've been doing it staying after to make up work. And when I'm at home all I do is homework. It sucks. Oh well. I went to see Brand New last night. They are probably my favorite band. I love Jesse Lacey. But now I am in so much pain. I have bruises all over my body. Yeah it hurts. It was SO worth it though. I've been up and down lately. I've been binging and then restricting. But lately I've only been eating one meal a day. Dinner is when I usually eat because I have to make sure my parents "think" I'm normal and eating normal. Because if they suspect that I'm not eating, they won't leave me alone. Things are kind of bad right now. Everything is really emotional and I feel so unwanted by everyone. I feel like my best friend is annoyed with me. I haven't been doing anything differently. I'm always myself. Ugh. I hate high school. Its so stupid and makes you go insane. I can't wait till its over with. Then I can move out with my exboyfriend Paul. Which we've been planning. And I won't have to deal with all these idiots who live for drama. Well I don't have much to say lately. I am in extreme pain so I'm gonna go and lay down.
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